I will get back to Phillip soon, there is plenty to say, but I find myself with the urgent need to blog about something. I have found myself drawn to a blog that many of you may be familiar with. http://longingsend.wordpress.com/. All my life have suspected that submissiveness excited me. In real life I am assertive, aggressive, confident. In my home I make the decisions, I manage the money, I run the household. My husband is all too happy to let me be the dominant personality in the home…..something I occasionally find myself despising him for. For as long as I can remember I have fantasized about being dominated. Forced. Hurt. Restrained. Not by some strange violent stranger, but by a lover. Someone I trust. Someone who knows where and how to push my boundaries, just enough to make me question my safety. Oh just writing about it is making my chest get tight.
I just watched a movie last night that has my insides all churned up. Secretary.I highly recommend it if you are into S & M. Stumbling onto this movie while flipping through channels was so ironic because I have been thinking more and more about my secret desire ever since finding Mina and Amorphous’s blog. And now I am starting to feel an uncontrollable compulsion to devise my own masochistic experience. But it is an impossible dream. My husband thinks having sex anywhere other than our bed is kinky. He would be horrified if he knew the thoughts going through my head. These thoughts I am experiencing more and more lately make my heart race and throat close up.
I tried to dabble once years ago with a lover. I had forgotten all about it until these feelings began to resurface. I remember I had left him a note that he would find me on the bed. I told him to please not ask any questions, just come in and fuck me, no words, just fuck me. I laid face down on our bed, naked, anticipating….desperately wanting him to mount me roughly and indulge me in this fantasy. I wanted him to know that I wanted to be hurt. I wanted him to grab fistfuls of my hair and yank my head back while my wrists were tied to the bed, and shove his cock into me forcefully and tell me what a dirty slut I was……what I got was a confused man who obliged by spreading my legs, entering me gently all the while asking “what is this about?”….he seemed disgusted. I never attempted anything like that again with anyone. Funny how up until today I had forgotten about that. It was humiliating, and not in a good way.
I have suggested to my husband once that I liked to have my hair pulled. He did it one time…that was it. I recently cut off my long hair, knowing there was no point in maintaining my long curly locks if nobody was going to enjoy yanking fistfuls of them as I so desperately desired. You would think as much as I carried on he would have realized how much it pleased me, but he is such a passive person. I have loved him many years for exactly that. He is kind and gentle. He loves me like no other. He loves my body with all it’s womanly curves and scars, the battle wounds of carrying his children. He accepts my dominant personality, and finds comfort in my strength. I think the idea that I would enjoy being dominated in any form is something he could never understand or believe.
So am I left to carry my secret desire with me for the rest of my life and never find it fulfilled? Leaving him will never be an option. Betraying him will never be an option either. How did someone like me end up with someone like him? My sexual appetite is like that of a beast. I have always been this way. Since I was a little girl I have masturbated every day. When I had an obliging lover I could happily engage in some sort of sexual activity many times a day. But the love of my life…the man I have vowed to spend the rest of my days with, prefers to make love a few times a month, gently and lovingly as I suppose many lovers do. While I find myself fantasizing every day about being shoved up against the wall, my panties ripped off of me and feeling a cock being shoved into me while he yanks my hair and bites me……who am I? He has on occasion spanked me, but gently. I want him to smack my ass so hard I can’t breathe. It’s almost irritating to have him gently swat my bottom while I am riding his cock. HURT ME! Make me scream! If you are going to go to the effort to dare strike me…..STRIKE ME HARD!! A few nights ago we attended a party with some friends and got quite intoxicated. The subject of spanking came up and I mouthed off to a mutual friend, Seth, that I had a very spank-able ass…it’s over-sized and round and firm. With a quick glance at my husband for approval, which he received with a smile, Seth reared back and SMACK! It was heaven!! I urged him on with a smile so he gave me several more….right there in front of my husband. How could he not see what it was doing to me. Lust had to be pouring out of my eyes. He just stood there grinning and looking cocky, seeming proud that his wife had such a spank-able ass….and looking as if he did the same to me often. But he doesn’t!!! I wanted to say “Why don’t YOU do that to me sometime!!!” but I didn’t want to seem critical in front of his friends. I think he thought it was all a big joke….but it’s not to me. I walked around for hours still feeling the sting on my ass and wanting to find Seth and beg him to please give me more. I didn’t want him to fuck me…I just wanted him to spank me. Hard!
Until recently I think I secretly thought there was something seriously wrong with me. But as I have dared to dig deeper into my desire I am finding so many more of us out there. What a relief to know that if I am crazy, at least I am not alone.
So that is my predicament. I think a huge part of me fears that I was so free with my sexuality as a young person, that now at the ripe age of 30 there is nothing left to experience except the bizarre. But I know that is not it….this has been in me forever. The incident with the lover I described above happened when I was 20. Ten years later I am still waiting…unfulfilled…for someone to get it! Figure it out! See what I really need! I don’t want to be dominated outside the bedroom….I like my life. I like control. I like to be the caretaker. But privately, behind closed doors, I want him to know what I really need. But how can you tell a mid-western, catholic, farm boy that you want him to inflict pain and viciously ravage you?
Wow..that was quite a read. Too bad you could not email your hubby a letter like that? Or maybe send him a link to a site /blog that you like to read?
September 28th, 2007 at 3:27 amFirst off let me say, thank you for the mention. And 2ndly, I apologize for this may be a looong comment. The Secretary is part of our dvd collection. We rather enjoyed it. Now, on with the more serious stuff. You sound exactly like me a few months back… just a few months! I carried these Secret Desires with me for a few years while in a loving yet sexually unfulfilling relationship with a different man. In fact, the only release I found, was to blog and blog I did. In fact, my blog is called Secret Desires. Have you visited? http://mydesire.wordpress.com. It’s the blog I wrote in before joining A and creating longings end. I still write my erotica there. Anyways, I was in the same type of situation. I was in a great relationship and I loved him very much, but sexually, I screamed for more! He was also quite content doing it only a few times a month. Also always very gentle and it was always the same routine. Foreplay was non existant. I would tell him of things I wanted done, he’d do them maybe once or twice and that was it. And he did them in a very “paint by numbers” sort of way. I had to hold his hand for everything! I asked him why he wouldn’t do it more and he said”because it’s fake, it’s not who you really are. I dont like pain.” Ha! If he could see me now, he would faint. I eventually left him and when I did, I started things with A. A already knew of my desires.. he read my blog and had one of his own. A left a marriage of 6 years because he was not sexually satisfied, amongst other things. When we came together, he had never inflicted intentional pain on another. In fact, he had had bad history with his ex when it came to pain and sex. Long story short, they were virgins, and she said it hurt too much to have sex, so for years, they never had sex because it hurt too much for her. to this day, I dont understand why he stayed in that marriage for as long as he did. Can you imagine spending the first 3 years of your marriage sexless? I digress, anyways, he was leary about inflicting pain on another. but we started slow, just spankings by hand. and he saw how turned on i was by it and that first time, he left some bruising. He was delighted by how delighted I was to have the marks. We then upgraded to a paddle, as his hand would hurt too much. Then one night, he brought out the belt and I feel to his ankles, worshipping him… the belt… I LOVE the belt. Then one day I brought home the crop. Oh my… now that was something. All the while, the pain was always inflicted on the ass. Then it slowly migrated to the thighs or the back .. until one day, it moved to my front. Now there isn’t any part of my body that is off limits. But we are still to toy with face slaps.. not sure if that will ever happen. I’d have to say that it takes a lot of trust and love to go where we have been. And oddly enough, the beatings have made us closer. Sometimes I love him so much after a beating. There is a lot going on with your husband. it seems that if he would just open his eyes and see what turns you on, he would get the picture, but he doesnt seem to understand. I believe it is true that you can’t make a Dom out of every man. Either he has the desire, or he doesn’t. I know my ex could never go there.. he was not creative enough. A is full of creativity. I wish you all the best of luck. I wish for you that your husband could become the full package. I think the first step is to open the lines of communication. Maybe even try some sex therapy. This desire will consume you. It did me. It was all I could think about. I couldnt be happy in my relationship. Once I met A, I was able to explore those desires and it helped. I wish you the best and thanks again for the mention. We hope our blog helps someone.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:20 pmI don’t step out much to make a comment, but I feel I should here.
One thing that isn’t that apparent, especially to those who only came to know myself and mina now, is that she really had to poke things along (so to speak). I was certainly familiar with her submissive cravings, and I was not afraid to spank her when she was on top, but when she first said we should get a paddle i was a little concerned. I didn’t see myself spanking her so much. Of course, once we did, and once we discovered how much she LOVED it, that changed things. Then she fantasized about the belt, which was something I thought was just too far. Some alcohol, and one crazy night later, and I was lashing her down to her knees.
And even from there, every new step has been made carefully, testing her response. She has done a lot to lead the way, and this was even with my KNOWING what her fantasies were like. It will take a little time, and a lot of encouragement, but it can be done.
The first part, though, is conveying that this thing that men all over the country have pounded in to them, that it is NEVER okay to hit a woman, can be pushed aside. At least, a little.
Since we have started this, mina and I have become so much closer, and our relationship so much richer. I can’t say that we would be nothign without beatings, but it has done a lot for us, and we continue to push those boundaries, even as we enjoy the marvelous ground we have opened for ourselves.
Give it a try, and realize that anyone worth having will take a little coaxing. Most of the people who will go for it right off the bat tend to be a little crazy, methinks. I will hope for you.
-A
September 29th, 2007 at 5:45 amI have the same problem and I’m just over 20. It’s not easy finding out you are into more than ‘regular sex’ and then more so finding a partner who enjoys the same.
Perhaps you can ease him into it…us men need more than hints sometimes
PS. I’d like for you to have access to my new blog, drop me a line via email/IM so I can give you access.
http://dirtytalk.wordpress.com/
October 2nd, 2007 at 1:44 pmI felt like I was reading a window into my own mind for most of that post. The difference is I’ve actually told my husband I want him to be rough, I want him to ’spank/paddle’ and that I need him to bite. He has even said “I know you wish I were rougher with you.” But it doesn’t change.
I don’t think he has it in his personality to meet that side of me.
Flip side is I spend a lot of time fantasizing and wishing I could find someone to take care of that part for me. I’m loyal above all else and well, I have born his children too.
October 26th, 2007 at 2:41 amI know that you think that he won’t respond, but I still think that you ought to tell him just exactly what you want. After all, this is the person that you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with. If you can’t be open and honest about your sexual desires with them, who *can* you share those desires with?
I’ve had a fantasy about my wife for a long while, too. But, it wasn’t until I was completely honest about it that we were able to talk about it and, even though she was reluctant to do so (and still is, to a large degree), begin exploring it more fully.
Tell him what you need and what you want him to do to you in no uncertain terms. He may very well reject the idea outright, but you can still begin introducing elements of it into your sex life slowly, in comfortable ways for him, until you are both beginning to explore deeper together.
That’s my free advice, anyway. And, it’s probably worth exactly what you paid for it. But, whether you take it or not, I hope that you’re able to get your husband to respond to you in the way you want.
October 26th, 2007 at 3:59 pm